Why do a lot of autistic people not know how to style their hair?

My mom was never good at it, and as an opioid addict, Dad got custody when they divorced in my 15th year. I had no one willing to help me learn. Mom would roughly brush my hair and toss it into pigtails or a ponytail. I now know the extreme tingling pains and discomfort that radiated from my scalp to my legs was sensory overload from all the extra autistic nerve endings freaking out, but I was just smacked and told to sit still.

I hate loose ponytails, but tight ones can cause migraines, my hair is heavy and pulls on my scalp. Most days it was a half ponytail, with bangs, and I hide behind my hair from people. I felt safer behind bangs. I had been teased in elementary school one time my mom got tired of my hair and chopped it all of very short, made fun of for looking like a boy, so I kept it about shoulder blade long, afraid any shorter I’d be super ugly and boyish. This was in the 1990s, this was not something people sought back then.

I have very thick wavy ash blond hair. My hair has broken brushes, and barrettes.

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After college, I went full on pixie cut, and maintained it myself. I found a Sally’s, and bought some nice reds and bleach and when I got bored I’d dye or bleach my hair blonder or red.

No friends would help me curl or style it, I had too much hair and they got bored, overwhelmed by it. I had one nice girl at summer camp who’d do French braids for other girls, that was my favorite but I could never get the knack for it.

It’s hair. It can look ok, but spending hours on it never made sense to me less it’s an updo for prom, and my massive chunk of hair made that stylist freak out junior year. I don’t have a lot of time or energy devote to it at 47, while chronically ill. Is it mostly flat and parted correctly? Ok. Does it need a moment with the flat iron brush? Ok. Am I bkred with the color or want to cover some of the creeping grey? Ok. Is it too hot, too heavy, getting too long? Time to trim before my shower.

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I did not know I was autistic until age 47, my step mom and 7 year older step sister never seemed to know what to do with me, I was not a social butterfly, I was an honor roll student in advanced classes in high school, planning to go to college, straight edged: no drinking, drugs, and had not dated. My step sister meanwhile got pregnant at 16 and ended up in an abusive marriage and I ended up taking care of her three kids so she could stalk her husband at bars.

And that’s it, that’s the amount if effort hair deserves for me. Wash it, brush it. Done.

By college, I cut about 6 inches off, still relied on the half pony tail, but it was easier to manage, tangled less. My husband and I cut each other’s hair and I cut my own at home during college to save money, as broke ass college students I had a hard time justifying a cut when all I wanted was a trim. I went shorter, to a chin length bob, and really liked it. It was easier to manage took less time to wash or dry.

What do you do when your family doesn’t care about you?

I grew it back out to the bob, and have kept it here for a while. I had a friend who was awesome at cutting it, she understood how to remove the extra weight and cut it so it ‘laid correctly’ and did a newt red/blonde dye scheme I loved. But she had a special needs child right before the lock downs, and moved, and had a lot going on so bugging her about my hair seemed vapid and rude.

I’m back to maintaining it since covid, have a straightener brush, and that’s me styling it, maybe some dry shampoo if it’s hot out.